
Lunch ladies everywhere, eat your heart out!
Growing up in North Dakota I saw a lot of white. White snow, white people and white food. Midwest people love a good potluck and they love inviting their friends and family to eat. They just don’t like anyone to know what exactly it is they are eating. Pretty much every dish has some sort of whitening agent used. Cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, cream of whatever soup is frequently dumped in a crockpot along with some form of carbohydrate and a protein/dead thing. So noodles (never say pasta) are added to beef or rice is mixed with chicken. There are also deserts coated in frosting, whipped cream or Cool Whip. Some of the cookies and cakes narrowly avoid the various creamy toppings only to get dusted by powdered sugar. If you want to get fancy you can tint your whipped topping so that it’s pink or green. Really show off with your cooking flare by sprinkling nuts on top, too. They’ll be two bites into your mystery cake before they realize that they’ve taken three pieces of the exact same thing.
Then there are the “salads”. I need the quotes here because these concoctions are less salad and more an excuse to layer ingredients together and call it cooking. All the salads are coated with mayonaise or Miracle Whip disguising what lurks within. Some have even branched out to include ranch dressing and blue cheese as possible coatings for their flashy vegetables and who knows what else. No one would dare allow a bit of celery to show up nude. It must be chopped and thrown in with its veggie bretheren under a layer of who-knows-what. You’re always bound to get a bite of bacon, tuna or canned chicken without warning. It’s pretty much impossible to be a successful vegetarian at a potluck or to leave without feeling a bit sick. It behooves the well-mannered potluck attendee to try a bit of everything, after all. We wouldn’t want to make anyone feel that their effort hadn’t overwhelmed us with culinary delight. No, really. Some souls even require us to have second helpings or take home a doggie bag to shore up their sagging self-esteem. “Please validate me by trying my goulash!”, they scream. I’m not one to let mental health dangle in the balance so I eat.
Why am I talking potluck today? We had a Minnesota-style potluck at work at lunch. It was a bit of a shock to my system. We had a veggie tray. As in veggies on a tray without any kind of covering. Naked veggies parading about in the office! And there was a cheese tray. As in a tray of different cheese just sitting out in the open without being melted or creamed. Sinful! And one guy couldn’t get his wife to cook anything for him (this time) so he went to McDonald’s and brought in Big Macs. Shameless! Still another fellow ventured to bring in ice for our warm soda. Insanity!
My contribution, which had seemed so risky this morning, fizzled in comparison to such wanton use of flavor and color. I will share my lack of recipe with you here. I had to bug The Mister to come in and instruct me about four different times. I’ve only enjoyed this particular salad on a few occasions in my life and had counted on his expertise. He had counted on me being able to construct a layer salad without couples therapy. As if!
Seven Six Layer Salad
- 1 head of iceberg lettuce (lower nutritional value, higher potluck value!)
- 1 large squeeze bottle of Miracle Whip
- 1 bag of finely shredded mild cheddar (though something tells me that Velveeta would work much better here)
- 1 small white onion
- 1 container of bacon bits or Bacos (which are vegan and isn’t that funny?)
- 1 bag of frozen peas
For this recipe I used a 9″ x 13″ cake pan. I know that’s what I used because I just asked a co-worker and she told me. I’m resourceful like that.
Remove the outer leaves of the head of lettuce. Then chop it into bite size pieces – bite sizes vary. Then finely mince your onion until you’ve got confetti size pieces. Time to assemble! Dump your chopped lettuce into the bottom of your 9″ x 13″ cake pan. Sprinkle your onion bits on top of the lettuce. Cover both with Miracle Whip. This was very difficult for me but here’s what I learned: the ratio of whip to lettuce is a tiny bit more than you’d put on a BLT. Does that help? I squirted a bunch on, then spread it around. I then added more anywhere that I saw offensive green bits poking through. Then I gently sprinkled the cheddar on top of the Miracle Whip “to taste” or that’s what The Mister told me to do. That’s totally not helpful but the only thing that I can add to his advice is to aim for somewhere between smothering and drizzling with your cheese application. Next shake on some bacon bits and here you are really on your own. This marks the first time I’ve purchased bacon bits and made anything with them. You do not want advice from this rookie. Lastly, time for some real flare: peas! Shake on some frozen peas until they are about even with your bacon distribution. You don’t want too many or the sight of veggies might scare people off.
I think that this turned out pretty well as I had only one generous spoonful leftover in my 9″ x 13″ cake pan. I totally didn’t even need the seventh layer, which was good because I have no idea what it is. And that picture? I’m actually proud of it. Can you hear my sister the chef chortling in the background?