Ham It Up December 20, 2009

Open your presents or you won't get ham!

Today we had a big holiday dinner. It was me, The Mister, his uncle and sister. He had promised them a big old ham dinner and then spent the whole week dreading it. You know how it is. You think that you’ll have this mountain of available time and then you look at that mountain and realize that it is a painting of a Matterhorn and it’s all of five feet tall. Thankfully, The Mister works with resourceful types and they suggested that we opt of slaving the day away. They told him of a place called Honey Baked Ham that sold… well, honey baked hams. And side dishes.

So yesterday we hopped on Ye Olde Internet and made our selections. The Mister, in his wish to be generous and traditionally full, had to be talked down from ordering food for 12. We got a Honey Baked Quarter Ham, potatoes au gratin and a green bean casserole. Then all that was left for The Mister to do was fight holiday shopping traffic, hit the grocery store for rolls and soda, and figure out the heating times. He so figured out those heating times. The woman at the store advised against heating up that ham of ours. Does she ever know her pork because it was perfect that way and if you can put even less effort into a dinner that you bought from a store and ordered on the internet, shouldn’t you?

The sides were fantastic and The Mister’s uncle brought over his seven layer salad. He also let me know what that seventh layer I was missing was and it was celery. Celery! By golly. Adding that would practically make it a regular old salad, what with the nutritional value and the amount of green in residence. Thankfully, he does not add celery to his salad either and we made it through the meal with the traditional amount of American-style over eating. What a spread! And to top it off we had The Mister’s cookies. Though he typically turns out a batch of cookies that would make Betty Crocker weep with envy, he broke the mold tonight. How they could be better than normal I do not know. I am just glad that we sent most of them home with our guests. It is important that I fit out the door tomorrow morning, after all.

Yuletide Leer December 18, 2009

Smile, damn it.

Today work was very long and intense.  One of those days when you have to schedule in a trip to the bathroom between conference calls and recap emails.  Now that it’s over let’s just say it was awesome.  One of my co-workers took pity on me and dumped half a sandwich in my cube or I might not have made it out alive.

Then I ventured out into the world to amass some Christmas presents for my family.  Since Christmas snuck up on me this year I could not trust the internet.  As this was my first year back in the brick and mortar shops in many a year, I forgot how full the stores get.  I just hope that I can forget it again tonight so I can get to sleep tonight.  How many people really need to be jammed into a Baby Gap anyway?  I think that I got some great stuff for presents and better yet I got out of there without contemplating the strangulation of my fellow shoppers.  Peace on earth, good will toward consumers!

After the mall I went to the place where I’m sure cashiers go to die.  This place was the K-mart on Lake Street.  If you are familiar with the Lake Street K-mart you might be surprised that it’s even open.  Well, it very much is though a cop car sits out front every day to make sure we are all behaving ourselves while we are taking on another blue light special.  The lighting is unfortunate and no one seems to be enjoying their shopping experience.  I saw a staff member sigh.  And not a “gee, I wish my shift was over” kind of sigh.  I knew his sigh.  I sighed it when I worked a job that was so bad that I started smoking in order to get more breaks.  Really.  But it got worse when I went next door to the Super Valu.  Firstly, I could not tell it was open from the outside.  This was because most of the windows were covered with signs telling me that I would have to present an ID with my credit card, that my check would not be accepted here and that I could shop here 24 hours a day but that I should not leave belongings in my car.

The lighting was the kind that makes me automatically depressed.  It made everything look green except the produce which looked brown.  And those who worked here were wilting thanks to the constant exposure to this and to the music, which was clearly the soundtrack to clean toilets by.  I scurried to get my necessary items quickly.  I feared that prolonging my stay might lead to me just sitting down in one of the aisles and crying.  I’m only half kidding.  If you have to go to a grocery store that is so utterly depressing it is good not to do it after a long, long, long day.  You will not have the energy to defeat the feeling that you should stock up on toilet paper and bread because you are never going to leave the house again ever.

And all of this is silly but it does make me appreciate having a job, that though stressful, engages my brain and doesn’t require me to stand for hours on end.  I’m don’t need to ask people if they want to apply for credit cards or deal with over-tired toddlers.  And finally, I don’t have to small talk with stress baskets like me.  I’d like to take this opportunity to tell all those cashiers I ran into tonight that I’m sorry, I was just happy to talk to you.  You didn’t ask me hard questions and you asked me if I had found everything okay.  I thought you cared when I told you who that gift was for and now that I’m home I realize you didn’t and you were doing your job but thank you for fooling me.   I don’t think that I could have made it out of the Super Valu without you.

There She Was… Gone December 17, 2009

Good buy, old paint!

Tonight Dotty and I drove north of Minneapolis to turn in Uggie’s title.  The Avenger is going to charity thanks to an organization called Cars for Courage.  It supports a group called Courage Center.  For those who live with disability these people do some amazing things.  They offer physical therapy, the kind of technology that helps and an avenue to a life that’s just a little bit better than before.  So I’m all about that, of course.  I’m also about getting a tax donation for a car whose time has come.  I’m not going to tell you I’m super altruistic but it’s nice to be able to do something great and get a benefit for yourself.  Instead of a tiny bit of cash in my pocket I’m maybe helping someone get through a particularly tough situation or maybe a parent communicate with her child.  And since it was suggested by the Recommender I know that it’s the right thing to do.  I told her today that she must get bored with being right all the time.  She smiled but I know when I’m being humored.  No one gets bored of being that cool.

I can’t tell you that I’m not going to kind of miss Uggie.  She was a good car.  I will not miss worrying about if she was suddenly going to leave me stranded somewhere at the worst possible time.  I will not miss spending quite a bit of money on oil and quite a bit of time shopping for it.  I wish that Target had some kind of frequent oil-buyer’s program to reward me for all the visits I made to the automotive department of their store.  I’ll forgive them that if they start rewarding me for all the valerian root and melatonin I buy.  Holy wow!

The week leading up to Christmas always seems so short as the number of things there are to do competes with the number of hours there are left to do them in.  I’m confident that if I just keep chugging along that everything will be done.  After all, there are worse fates than getting a present that isn’t wrapped, right?  You might even thank me because you can save your energy for what Christmas is really about – family.  And here you thought I was going to say cookies.  Well, it’s about that, too.  I’m not going to lie.  We all know that part of Christmas is seeing how far that elastic waist band can stretch and I will tell you that the answer is A LOT.

The Five will be up tomorrow.  Tonight I’ve got a date with The Sound of Music and you don’t keep Julie Andrews waiting, my friends.  I’m sure you’ll be okay though.  I’ve heard that there are other blogs out there on the interwebs.  In fact, I think that I have a few of them linked to the right.  It’s gonna be okay, I promise!

My Thanksgiving Entry December 16, 2009

Has anyone noticed that I’ve been lax in writing up my The Five entries as of late?  Well, I haven’t.  Right along the time of Thanksgiving I will admit to having trouble coming up with a list.  I wasn’t feeling all that thankful, to be honest.  I think that we have all known times like that where we are overwhelmed with some stressful series of events and it’s easier not to pick yourself up, dust yourself and start over again.  It is far easier to leave yourself where you are, covered in yuck and defer any kind of starting until the very distant future.  It’s not a great way of living and some could argue that it isn’t living so much as strict survival.

Thankfully last week I was treated to a few good kicks in the pants that showed me how good I have it even when life seems a giant struggle.  I’d like to share one with you and then I promise to do an entry of The Five tomorrow.  If no one read this blog I would still want to keep at it because when I’m updating I know that I’m writing.  When I write I have trouble avoiding myself, if that makes sense.  If something is bothering me and I sit down to blog then I have to deal with it.  Additionally, if I find that I’m too busy to write then I know that I’m probably just not making the time.  Last night I drove home after the kind of work day that makes you contemplate factory work because I know that Lucille Ball sure made it look appealing.  When I got home I had enough time to jot a quick entry but I didn’t write.  It starts with a night here and there and then suddenly it’s been months and you’re thinking “oh, that’s right!  I used to have a blog!”  I’d like to really keep at this so that’s why I’m here today telling myself that I will do better.

Anyway, the pants kick I promised to tell you about…  Last week I got to participate in a volunteer event through my work.  It was a voluntary sign-up type of thing for those who wanted to do something good and get to know co-workers from other departments.  The activity was with an organization called Feed My Starving Children

Tilter Whirl and my sister - two things I'm thankful for

.  This group worked with General Mills and Cargill to create a mixture of ingredients that are formulated for feeding those who are starving.  We showed up and were asked to pack this food and shown the easy assembly line process.  There was 50s music and good times.  Along with groups from other companies we packed 25,344 servings of one of FMSC’s two recipes, MannaPack Potato.  Isn’t that amazing?  That’s in a two hour-long period, too.  It was an honest to goodness fun time and we walked away knowing that we did something that will impact another person’s life directly.

And here is, of course, where I tell you that the conditions of the people we were helping reminded me that I have it pretty darn awesome.  Perspective is a nice thing to have.  We shouldn’t have to be confronted by how little someone has to remember how lucky we are but it sure does spell it out in nice big capital letters, with italics, underlined and in quotations.  I am grateful for my family, for who they are and for having them in my life.  I’m grateful for The Mister and I am reminded that the little things that bug me about him are the first things I miss when he is away.  I hope that this is true for me as well because I know that I am guilty of plenty of annoyance, for reals!

I will spare you the list of other things that I am grateful for but I just thought that I’d let you know that I’m finally feeling Thankful this far after Thanksgiving.  And that means you, dear reader.  Thank you for staying with me until the very end of this entry.  I would like to give you a coupon for a free Christmas cookie as a thank you but I think you’re going to have to settle for me just telling you that I appreciate you coming here and wasting your time with my blog.  It’s not entirely wasted though.  Think how much you’ve learned about tacos and Rock Band!

Diner Beware! December 14, 2009

Spaghetti-nooooooooos!

If I didn’t lose you on potluck day, I might lose you tonight.  As The Mister is out enjoying a sweat lodge with his friends, I’m left to my own devices for dinner.  And what, pray tell, did I devise?  No less than Spaghettios.  I’m not proud but I am excited.  Back when I was an elementary school latch-key kid I lived for this stuff.  I knew exactly how long to cook it and exactly how long to leave it in the microwave so that I didn’t scald my tongue and end up tasting burnt tongue for days.

I’m sure that somewhere about my third bite I will remember why I don’t eat this stuff more often.  The fact that I’m using the word “stuff” to describe my dinner maybe says a little more about what I’m planning to ingest than I’d like but so be it.  I’m not kidding myself into thinking that I’m dealing with high cuisine or even cuisine.  It’s beyond cold outside and a bowl of steaming memories sounded like the ticket, you know?

Of course, I would much rather enjoy a plate of Kraft’s Tangy Italian Spaghetti Dinner but Target was too high brow to carry that.  They only carry top notch edibles, you know?  Like El Monterey burritos and Hungry Man masterpieces.  It’s going to be a great night!

We Came, We Snoozed December 13, 2009

Certified Nap Consultants

We had a great stay-cation, my friends.  It just turned out that we did more staying than I had planned.  The moment we arrived at the hotel we found ourselves napping.  I was surprised that we actually made it down to the pool before heading out for dinner as we were both so tuckered from a long week.  We walked to dinner and saw the remnants of the Holidazzle Parade passing by which was fun.

Barrio Tequila Bar in Minneapolis is just as nice as Barrio Tequila Bar in St Paul.  In fact, it was so nice that when we were done with dinner The Mister declared that he was okay calling it a night right there.  Zombies turned out not to be as tempting as I had anticipated but then another option presented itself, something loved by young boys just as much as zombies: ice cream.  Instead of sampling the dessert offerings at Barrio we hunted down a Cold Stone Creamery.  Thankfully, the walk took us farther away from the hotel so we had some exercise while indulging our inner child.

I’d also like to go on record as saying that no one needs the Gotta Have It portion.  Even sharing anything this big is not only asking for trouble, it is pleading for trouble and not taking “no” for an answer.  The Mister disagreed with me initially.  He finally saw my point of view on our walk back to the hotel when he started thinking that it might be a good idea to listen to me, if only occasionally.

So we got back to the hotel and I didn’t have to carry The Mister, though that didn’t stop him from asking.  And you know how early we got there?  We were back so early that Saturday Night Live hadn’t started yet and I made The Mister watch Life with Father.  That means, dear reader, we had called an end to our big night out before 10:30 pm.  Part of me was disappointed that we couldn’t sum up the energy to really paint the town red and part of me was relieved that I have a partner who knows how to relax.  He could give a clinic in relaxing, my friends.  He is Joe Cool.

This morning we walked to Hell’s Kitchen for their Gospel breakfast.  Land sakes but the food was good.  The peanut butter they make is so outstanding that we bought some to take home and some for a special someone’s Christmas gift.  I had bison sausage and it was really a treat.  The Mister had corned beef hash and declared it “meat candy”.  We hiked back to the ramp after our meal and that was the end of our downtown adventure.

Life, quite frequently, isn’t exactly what you planned.  Thank goodness for that!  I can now attack another busy week at work with the energy I conserved on Saturday night.  And the mall!  Christmas snuck up on me this year and if I’m to get everything together in time for the holidays I’m going to have hit the shops soon.  I’m glad that I got a good rest in before dealing with the Night of the Living Clearance Sale.

Away We Go December 12, 2009

The Mister and I are using up a free hotel stay tonight before it expires.  We needed a vacation but neither one of us can get away from work long enough to go anywhere but the next zip code.  So that’s what we are doing, we’re staying in Minneapolis.  We’ll be taking off soon so that we can enjoy the pool.  We have a reservation for dinner at Barrio Tequila Bar.  That’s the Minneapolis sister of the one we went to in St Paul and loved.  Then plans to venture out to a zombie themed bar later in the evening.  I’m proud of us for doing something besides hanging out on the couch or playing Rock Band.  In fact, I’ve planned out our activities so that we’ll be doing quite a bit of walking.  It’s cold out there but I think that this is part of being on vacation.

As a kid, my family went on backpacking trips for our vacation.  If you know anything about backpacking you’ll know that it’s a brutal way of spending your time off.  You carry everything you’ll need for setting up camp on your back.  There’s hiking all day but there’s sleeping under the stars.  We’d come back from our stay in the wild thankful for all that we left behind, like flushing toilets and mattresses.  I still take that love of dropping into bed exhausted as part of a trip.  I need to write more about backpacking some day soon because it is extraordinary and was a huge part of my childhood.  I loved the time with my family and the exertion.  And The Mister, does he like this brand of vacation?  Not as much.  But he does like tequila and zombies!

Come and Get It! December 11, 2009

Lunch ladies everywhere, eat your heart out!

Growing up in North Dakota I saw a lot of white.  White snow, white people and white food.  Midwest people love a good potluck and they love inviting their friends and family to eat.  They just don’t like anyone to know what exactly it is they are eating.  Pretty much every dish has some sort of whitening agent used.  Cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, cream of whatever soup is frequently dumped in a crockpot along with some form of carbohydrate and a protein/dead thing.  So noodles (never say pasta) are added to beef or rice is mixed with chicken.  There are also deserts coated in frosting, whipped cream or Cool Whip.  Some of the cookies and cakes narrowly avoid the various creamy toppings only to get dusted by powdered sugar.  If you want to get fancy you can tint your whipped topping so that it’s pink or green.  Really show off with your cooking flare by sprinkling nuts on top, too.  They’ll be two bites into your mystery cake before they realize that they’ve taken three pieces of the exact same thing.

Then there are the “salads”.  I need the quotes here because these concoctions are less salad and more an excuse to layer ingredients together and call it cooking.  All the salads are coated with mayonaise or Miracle Whip disguising what lurks within.  Some have even branched out to include ranch dressing and blue cheese as possible coatings for their flashy vegetables and who knows what else.  No one would dare allow a bit of celery to show up nude.  It must be chopped and thrown in with its veggie bretheren under a layer of who-knows-what.  You’re always bound to get a bite of bacon, tuna or canned chicken without warning.  It’s pretty much impossible to be a successful vegetarian at a potluck or to leave without feeling a bit sick.  It behooves the well-mannered potluck attendee to try a bit of everything, after all.  We wouldn’t want to make anyone feel that their effort hadn’t overwhelmed us with culinary delight.  No, really.  Some souls even require us to have second helpings or take home a doggie bag to shore up their sagging self-esteem.  “Please validate me by trying my goulash!”, they scream.  I’m not one to let mental health dangle in the balance so I eat.

Why am I talking potluck today?  We had a Minnesota-style potluck at work at lunch.  It was a bit of a shock to my system.  We had a veggie tray.  As in veggies on a tray without any kind of covering.  Naked veggies parading about in the office!  And there was a cheese tray.  As in a tray of different cheese just sitting out in the open without being melted or creamed.  Sinful!  And one guy couldn’t get his wife to cook anything for him (this time) so he went to McDonald’s and brought in Big Macs.  Shameless!  Still another fellow ventured to bring in ice for our warm soda.  Insanity!

My contribution, which had seemed so risky this morning, fizzled in comparison to such wanton use of flavor and color.  I will share my lack of recipe with you here.  I had to bug The Mister to come in and instruct me about four different times.  I’ve only enjoyed this particular salad on a few occasions in my life and had counted on his expertise.  He had counted on me being able to construct a layer salad without couples therapy.  As if!

Seven Six Layer Salad

• 1 head of iceberg lettuce (lower nutritional value, higher potluck value!)
• 1 large squeeze bottle of Miracle Whip
• 1 bag of finely shredded mild cheddar (though something tells me that Velveeta would work much better here)
• 1 small white onion
• 1 container of bacon bits or Bacos (which are vegan and isn’t that funny?)
• 1 bag of frozen peas

For this recipe I used a 9″ x 13″ cake pan.  I know that’s what I used because I just asked a co-worker and she told me.  I’m resourceful like that. 

Remove the outer leaves of the head of lettuce.  Then chop it into bite size pieces – bite sizes vary.  Then finely mince your onion until you’ve got confetti size pieces.  Time to assemble!  Dump your chopped lettuce into the bottom of your 9″ x 13″ cake pan.  Sprinkle your onion bits on top of the lettuce.  Cover both with Miracle Whip.  This was very difficult for me but here’s what I learned: the ratio of whip to lettuce is a tiny bit more than you’d put on a BLT.  Does that help?  I squirted a bunch on, then spread it around.  I then added more anywhere that I saw offensive green bits poking through.  Then I gently sprinkled the cheddar on top of the Miracle Whip “to taste” or that’s what The Mister told me to do.  That’s totally not helpful but the only thing that I can add to his advice is to aim for somewhere between smothering and drizzling with your cheese application.  Next shake on some bacon bits and here you are really on your own.  This marks the first time I’ve purchased bacon bits and made anything with them.  You do not want advice from this rookie.  Lastly, time for some real flare: peas!  Shake on some frozen peas until they are about even with your bacon distribution.  You don’t want too many or the sight of veggies might scare people off. 

I think that this turned out pretty well as I had only one generous spoonful leftover in my 9″ x 13″ cake pan.  I totally didn’t even need the seventh layer, which was good because I have no idea what it is.  And that picture?  I’m actually proud of it.  Can you hear my sister the chef chortling in the background?

An Update for Graham December 10, 2009

Freaking majestic!

Last night I hurt my back whilst shoveling snow.  I found it sincerely depressing that I was injured doing something responsible.  It makes me feel like a “grown up”.  (I don’t know why but I still feel the need to put that in quotes.)  There’s something truly dismal about how easy it is to get hurt now that I’m getting older.  I mean, if I so much as sleep in a bad position I will walk around for days in discomfort.  I’m wondering how long it will take before my loved ones tie me to a chair so as to be less of a nuisance as I am now frighteningly feeble. 

I stayed home from work today due to the need to take the last of my sinus surgery painkillers.  We’ve had a fine spell, me and those painkillers.  Let’s hope I don’t need them later as there is a fine chance that there may be some garbage that needs to be taken out or dishes that should be washed.  I can feel the pain this diligence will cost me right! now!

Joking aside (Yes. I was joking, people) I’ve been noticing some subtle and some blaringly loud changes in my body as the years go by.  Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I’m so glad that I haven’t injected bovine byproducts into my face that I want to stop strangers on the street and have them check out my laugh lines.  I should have listened when Marilyn crooned that I wouldn’t be able to straighten up when I bend because was she ever on the money.  The Mister was on a shoot with a pain professional from the Mayo Clinic.  This guy said that if you woke up without pain after the age of 40 that you were probably dead and isn’t that something you want printed on your Christmas card?  Yet I know that getting older does have its advantages.  For example, I feel much less compelled to try (and fail) to be cool.  I don’t know half of the people in People magazine and I’m really quite proud of myself.

As I was convalescing on the couch this afternoon I heard a flock of Canadian geese fly over the house.  When I first moved here from the wilds of North Dakota I remember being so excited when I saw these guys out walking around.  I remember getting out of my car in the parking lot at work and taking a bunch of pictures with my disposable camera.  I was thrilled and thinking “boy! will Dad get a kick out of these guys!”  Then I lived in Minnesota a bit longer and realized that they are everywhere and so is their less-than-pleasant leavings.  I never even developed that film.  I was less enchanted with these honking Canucks now that they’d become associated with the part of nature that you don’t want to think of when you are eating.

And that’s my day in a nutshell – thoughts of back pain and goose turds.  Hope that your day went half as well.  And if not, please stop by my house.  I’m sure that there is a cat box that needs cleaning.

Snow in Minnesota: Ripley’s Believe it or Not! December 9, 2009

It IS the most wonderful time of the year, Bumble!

The Twin Cities are experiencing the first big blizzard of the year.  I always think of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when everyone becomes so excited about the snow.  There’s that scene where they talk about the oncoming blizzard and how horrible it is.  Every year we invariably get dumped on with inches of snow.  It’s part of living in Minnesota, after all.  Still the reaction seems to be that of Rudolph’s friends.  We’ve all had our share of snow and shoveling and traffic so bad that staying home isn’t an option, it’s a requirement.  Yet we wake up, look outside and immediately start clawing at our faces.  The snow!  There’s just! so! much!

I like to call this seasonal forgetfullitudeness (SF).  It’s something that those of us who experience actual seasons seem to have.  We writhe in agony every single year as the temperatures start plummeting to zero.  “Why is it so gosh-darned cold outside?”, we ask.  Or in the summer when the heat becomes so oppressive that our only response is the kind of madness that begets people sticking any kind of food on a stick and jamming it in their mouths.  How is it that we are surprised at Mother Nature’s sense of humor every single year?  It can only be our SF.  The fact that anyone even lives in our particular zip codes has to be caused by our inability to remember just how bad it’s going to get based on our past experiences.

Tied into our SF is also our need to brag.  Part of my job is talking to people in all different areas of the map.  When they tell me that traffic is slowed to a stop in L.A. due to rain do you think that I don’t pull out my blizzard card?  Of course I do!  If I must endure months of windshield scraping and a healthy fear of black ice then at least I deserve the right to tell everyone else in the world just how bad it is here.  And these people, the ones who choose to live in a more forgiving state, they will thank me.  Just like they need Rudolph up in the North Pole, they need me here in Minneapolis.  They need a place with people like me exist so that Prince can sing about it and so that the Coen brothers can tell tales of wood chippers.  And our existence here serves as living proof of how awesome it is everywhere else.  How will you know that you have it really good unless others are miserable?

Also, please think of how much our purchases of winter gear is helping the economy!  I have yet to go one winter in my adult life without having to purchase something that I used to brave the previous winter.  It must be that I see the snow starting to melt and throw away my gloves with wild abandon.  Again my SF is at work because I forget that next winter will come and I will find that I’m unable to thaw out my fingers long enough to turn my car on so that it can heat up for nine hours.

The best part of this winter survival though is the joy of experiencing it with others.  My co-workers who did make it in to the office today are almost giddy with pride.  We are relieved after near misses on the freeway where we were surrounded by idiots who have clearly forgotten how to drive.  There is a certain amount of fun in braving the elements.  Here is where SF rears its ugly head though.  We have clearly all forgotten that there are months of this weather to go and a commute home at the end of the day.  How can you blame us though?  Ignorance is bliss.  Instead of moaning we’re all going to talk about what perfect weather this is for hiding indoors with loved ones.  After all, Rudolph will be on soon.