I am a motherless child. But that’s also totally wrong. To say that I’m “motherless” is supposed to mean that I am without a mother but that also totally discredits the Mom who was and will always be. I needed Mom today so I wore that Viking boat necklace to work again. And I’m not sure what I mean when I say that I needed Mom. I guess it boils down to me wishing that she was with us still. That we’d have a few more moments and stories to save for always and ever. The thing is I won’t know all about Mom ever. As she lay dying someone would always reveal a new side of Mom that I hadn’t seen. That lady has a lot of sides!
Kristin is fighting the tough fight in Bismarck so I have trouble saying that I’m having… trouble. But there it is. I am finding it hard to get up and get going. It is hard to return to the Karli that I used to be because… well, I ain’t. I’m not who I was before Mom got sick. And it’s a profoundly good thing. It’s also sometimes hard to breathe. There are days when things strike me as hard and sad. There are times when I cannot help but kick myself for being down because I’m so terribly lucky. I know that even when I find that I’ve forgotten it.
And for those of you who like rambling, random tangents and a misplaced moral to the story…
Tonight I was in Uptown running an errand and I saw a bunny out of place. He was maybe inches from the grass that he belonged to and the brick that stood in his way surely wouldn’t be an issue for long. And because when your life it tipped, turned upside down you are looking for meaning in EVERYTHING I thought “hey, bunneh! I know what the deal is! You’ll find where you need to be. Just chill and hang in there and it’s going to be fine. Me, too. I’ll hang in there and deal with the challenge ahead but I’ll make it. Also, bunneh? You should let me help you back up there because then you’d basically get to skip a lot of self development. But I know… you gotta get there on your own, huh?”
And I’m sure that there were homeless people worrying about my mental health but that bunny? That bunny hippity-ed and and then hoppity-ed… then paused and looked at me. Then he looked at the grass from whence he came. Then at me. Then he hopped away. I think that he knew where he was going. And even if that was only away from me that’s still better than he was seconds ago, right? I certainly don’t know. But that is – in case you were wondering – the point. Right now I don’t know how I will heal from Mom’s death just that I will. I don’t need to know the way in which I’ll get the skip back in my shuffle. If I just keep trying and trying then it will happen. Others have suffered worse than this and gone on to be beautiful souls that kind of shine when you see them*. I don’t even have to aim for that. I’m just going to try to leave the house with manageable hair occasionally. Small and careful steps, my friends.
* And if I didn’t point this out to you, then you’d never figure it out. That’s the part that makes it about you, Aunty Sue. Thank you for being a life raft today and many other days besides.
What an amazing perspective, Karli. I love the way you look at life. I love the way you explain things… I hope this blog is healing you as much as it is healing those of us who have the PLEASURE to read it!
Love you!
Nice post!
I remember your Aunt Sue from the time we stayed at her house just before your mom, dad and my family started our backpacking adventure into Glacier Park. That was a long time ago, but I will never forget how nice your Uncle Curt and Aunt Sue were to us. After our backpacking trip, they took us out rafting on the Flathead River. Great times were had by all.